Fannie Mae Sucks

Yeah, probably no surprise there.

We've been trying to refinance our house for two months now. Paperwork all submitted, credit reports ran, things all lined up the way they should be. But for two months our appraisal has been held up by one tiny detail.

Fannie Mae says our house is in another city.

This should be an easy thing to fix, right? Our original loan documents, appraisal, and deed all show our home in the correct city. All county documents for our house show us in the correct city. But somehow, somewhere, Fannie Mae got their records confused. I could see how this could possibly happen as our current zip code covers two different cities. And we are about a block away from the city limit.

But no matter what documentation we provide or how many times the mortgage broker calls, we are sitting here 8 weeks later with nothing to show for it. Eight freaking weeks! What the hell?

So maybe by March we will have this mess done. I am so annoyed right now it's not even funny. I know it's not the mortgage guy's fault but at this point I want to throw in the towel on it. Fannie Mae is the reason that we've not been able to get a principle reduction or refinance in the past. I freaking hate them.

Getting Healthy

DH and I had checkups recently. We've not really had them in years, but we were encouraged to get some extra tests done due to the genetic results from Aubree. She received a defective gene from both of us that could have contributed to her heterotaxy. Thankfully, it appears this gene is recessive in both of us and neither of us have heterotaxy. So our chances of us having another baby with issues as severe as hers were are back to around 1:10,000. Which seems comforting, unless you've been that 1, and then statistics seem irrelevant.

We have really let our healthy habits slide over the past few months. Instead of cooking dinner we've been going out to eat or ordering a pizza. As a result, our checkups showed some unhealthy cholesterol levels. Boo! The doctor recommended a healthier diet and exercise. With DH's broken foot, he really can't do a lot physically right now, but we can work on eating better. We will basically be going back to the gluten-free diet that we did awhile back. Only because it immediately cuts out a lot of the bad foods we were eating (fast food, fried foods, desserts, etc), and helps us focus on eating lean proteins and veggies instead.

Tonight I have a pork roast in the crockpot with a bag of carrots and an apple. I have the day off today, so Aly and I are cleaning the house and getting things organized for our week. And I am hoping when she's napping that I can run out to clean the gutters a bit, which will save us some $$ in not paying to have it done.

October Update

Ten months down and two more to go. I could never have imagined all that this year held for us, but in spite of everything I think we have done an amazing job!

Overall Debt:

Starting 1/1/2013: $62,300.13

Current 10/31/2013: $42,404.91

Total paid: $19,895.22

I can not believe that we have paid off nearly 1/3rd of our debt in just one year! And we will hit $20,000 as soon as I get my next paycheck (but that will go towards November's update!). 

And on the "racing" front, the debt we are paying extra on and trying to eliminate as soon as possible, here's where we stand:

Starting 1/1/2013: $24,500.00

Current 10/31/2013: $9,900.00

Total paid: $14,600.00

Obviously this is where most of our payoff has taken place. We had wanted to have this at $0 by the end of the year, but life happened. We still got it down under 5-digits. This is all at 0% until June 2014, so we are taking our time here and will have it paid off by then.

We are also making some changes to reduce our monthly expenses. We changed up our daycare arrangement a bit which will save around $200, and we are in the middle of refinancing the house which will save another $100. We are also considering trading in our Explorer for a nice sedan that DH can drive to save on gas mileage. We like the big car, but with me driving downtown every day and DH driving all over the place for appointments, it does not make sense for us to have a car that only gets 17mpg on a good day. We don't need the car to tow anything and it only snows 2-4 times a year here. A front-wheel or all-wheel drive car is really all we need to get around if we do have to get out. While trading in the car would be a setback in our overall amount owed for awhile, it wouldn't take too long to catch up. We may save a bit on the monthly payments and we will definitely save on gas each month.

 

Back to square one

DH and I have officially started trying again for another baby. Aubree's due date came & passed, and it feels like that part of time was reserved just for her. Any baby from this point forward could have been here even if Aubree was still here (although I would have been insane to get pregnant again that fast!! lol).

In some ways I am more relaxed this time around, and in some ways I am a bit more neurotic. I am super strict about taking my daily handful of vitamins, and I tracked ovulation religiously. But now that I am in the dreaded TWW (two-week-wait), I am feeling more calm about the process. We've done all that we could possibly do and now we just have to see if it worked or not. One more week to go to see if we will have another July baby or if we will be trying for August. I am trying to not read into every pinch or twinge I feel, but just focus on whatever else I can to keep myself occupied. We have a couple of baby showers coming up at work and I need to get some yarn to start in on some baby blankets. That will keep my hands busy enough to keep me off the computer and prevent me from googling things to death ;)

Sometimes I feel ok, and other times grief will come out of no where and knock me to my knees. Thankfully those moments are getting fewer & farther between, but it still happens. Yesterday I was surprised to discover that going to the baseball stadium made me sad. We got a partial season ticket package this last year and DH wanted to do it again for next year. They held open stadium day to come try out the seats and see what was available. We took Aly along and thought it would be a fun family outing. But walking through the stadium made me think of the night we took Aly to her first game when I was pregnant with Aubree. Both girls got first game certificates, and Aubree danced around to the sounds of the stadium. I am glad we had that night all together as a family, but it still makes me sad knowing that Aubree won't be with us for the games this next year.

Aly was really enjoying her hotdog. Hahah!! Aubree enjoyed her's too ;)

September Update

We've made it through the third quarter! And what a crazy year it has been so far. Here is the overall financial update:
 

Start 1/1/2013: $62,300.13

Current 9/30/2013: $44,636.42

Total paid: $17,663.71

 
Amazing. Simply amazing. We won't quite hit our goal set at the beginning of the year, but we are doing really well. Despite all the setbacks with the medical bills and general hiccups. The medical bills were covered 100% by our generous friends & family. It is completely humbling and heart warming. There's just no way to express how much that means to DH and I. Not only was it a financial burden, but it was a emotional & mental one as well. To have that lifted off of us has been such an incredible relief.
 
As for our active "racing" debt, we just crossed the 50% mark on that this month. Most of the setback in this area had been the medical bills, meals out, last-minute trips to the store to buy things for Aubree, and general just not keeping track of the budget well so the CC was pulled out. I am so glad our financial life was pretty well set to auto-pilot before this all happened so that the damage was containable. And over the past month we have really been cleaning up our general spending and getting our good habits back as our life goes back to "normal." Here are the racing numbers:
 

Start 1/1/2013: $24,500.00

Current 9/30/2013: $11,523.26

Total paid: $12,016.35

 
We are at 50% of our goal to have this completely paid off in 2013. I knew that was a far-reaching goal, but I am very pleased with the progress that we were able to make so far. I want to get under $10,000 by the end of the year and I think that we should be able to pay this off before June 2014 when the 0% rates expire. We are down to only 2 bills left out of 6 when we started.
 
We got our clearance to try again for another baby. I've run the numbers on my leave time from work and we will just barely have enough if we happen to get it this month. So weird to be right back in this place again. A new baby won't fix things, it won't replace Aubree, but we know our family is not complete yet. It's a really scary leap of faith to try again, knowing now just how badly it can end up.

Last week at home

I can not believe this is my last week of medical leave. Physically I am feeling nearly 100%, except for the allergies/cold that settled in over the last few days. I have really enjoyed this time at home with Aly, and having the time to rest, organize, and start new. I can not believe it's been five weeks since I had Aubree. Crazy!

Today I took Aly to MIL's house so I could clean and do some things on my own. Because grocery shopping and trying to clean the house with a 2-yr old takes 10 times longer than just doing it myself! I went through our freezers to get an idea of what we have. It turns out that we have enough meat to last probably 3 months, veggies for a month, and who knows how many bags of cheese. We also have freezer meals from friends & family still. They really stocked us up! I've also been stretching their pre-made meals with some items that I make the day-of (like a pre-made entree with veggies that I make up, or pre-made sides with fresh grilled fish). Freezer food does not taste like "freezer food" as much this way. I should be able to get us through the end of October with only a few quick trips for milk and fresh produce. DD could eat her weight in bananas!!

My goal this week is to plan for the next several weeks once I go back to work. I want to get all the laundry done and DD's fall clothes set out. Go through my wardrobe and make sure I have enough nice pieces for work that fit well. Plan out meals for weekdays. Declutter and put away things we are not using frequently, so that the house stays cleaner and the things we do use are accessible.

I think the home we had lined up for our dog fell through, so she's still with us for now. Aly has started to take an interest in her (instead of screaming in terror every time she sees the dog), so we are working on getting them both used to each other. The dog has also started to calm down a bit around Aly. Maybe this will be a good thing and we can keep Lucy. Otherwise we will keep trying to find her a good home with older kids or no kids. You never really know until you have little ones how the animals are going to react to them, and vice versa. So far, though, we've managed to keep them separated without any issue. Now that winter is approaching and it will be getting colder, and Aly now has free reign of the house, we will have to figure out something.

September Goal Progress

Well, the first payday of the month has rolled around. And we are doing really well! We officially got under $50,000 on our total debt, and we possibly could be under $49,000 depending on how the rest of the month goes. The credit cards are at $16,250 and could be under $16,000 by the end of this month. In fact, this one of those months where we see a couple of nice left-digit shifts. And our car loan could be under $10,000 by the end of the year, which would leave us with no individual debts (other than the house) higher than $9,999. For some reason that seems like a HUGE milestone!

I was doing awesome with the weight loss after delivery, but I've gained back quite a bit in the last two weeks and am back up to 132 - 10lbs away from my goal weight. DH and I have been drinking a lot after DD goes to bed (not getting wasted every night, but a big glass of wine every night adds up!). We've also been using gift cards we were given for different restaurants around town. I only have a week & a half left before I go back to work, so I need to cut it out so I can fit back into my normal work clothes!! DH read about green smoothies and decided to do those as breakfast and lunch for the next two weeks. I figured I would join in. It's not a bad idea to get in a ton of veggies and water every day. I am adding in yogurt & flax meal for added protein. So far, two days in, it's been pretty easy. The protein and fiber is keeping me really full. The scale hasn't budged, but I think it will take a few days for that to happen as I get the crap out of my system.

It's been four weeks since Aubree's birth. I feel almost back to normal...or maybe I've found my new normal. Tonight was the first time I got sad seeing a new baby. We were out at a restaurant and the table next to us had a tiny little baby - less than 6lbs for sure. As tiny as Aly was when she was born. I wanted so badly to ask if I could just hold the baby, but thankfully managed to keep that in-check and left them all alone ;) I am sure they would have thought I was nuts!

Aly has been doing so well since I've been staying at home with her. Our family life is running so much more smoothly. I have time to cook & clean and play with Aly. By the time DH gets home I am ready to talk to someone else instead of being so worn out from talking that I just want to be by myself. We looked at the numbers, and we could technically make it work for me to stay home right now. But we would be giving up on several goals that we have. It is nice to be on the same page with our priorities, and to know that while we could technically make it work now, the end result will be that much better if we can just wait a bit longer. 

2013 Goals Update

When I wrote these goals for the year back in December, I had no ideal what we were in for. Our two big goals were:

1. Have another kid

2. Pay off remaining credit card debt. $24,500

We technically met #1. Maybe I should have clarified that a bit more, since I really wanted to keep her and not just have her. I've listened, Universe, and will be MUCH more specific next time I put something out there.

As for the second goal, we are actually doing pretty well. Not quite on-track, but considering the circumstances I am happy with our progress. Here are the numbers:

Credit Cards:

1/1/2013 Start: $24,500

8/31/2013 Current: $16,522.93

Total paid = $7,977.07

Total Debt:

1/1/2013 Start: $62,300.13

8/31/2013 Current: $50,262.05

Total paid = $12,038.08

We are 2/3rds of the way through the year, and so far we have paid off more than we did last year. I think that is pretty successful! We've also averaged $1,500/month payoffs on our total debt. Not quite the $2050 that we had aimed for in the beginning, but that's ok. Still 50% more than our monthly payoffs last year, and that's with a $450/month pay cut for me. So I guess if you look at what we've paid each month + the paycut, that comes out close to our original goal. So I like to think that we are still on-track :)

And After!

One day of HARD work later, this is what our room looks like:

I am really happy with the way it turned out! I spent about $200 total on it:

$30 paint (2 gallons wall paint + 1 can spray paint)
$100 bedding (new sheets, bedskirt (not on yet), throw pillows)
$27 lamps from Dollar General - spray painted orange
$40 curtains - energy saving panels to help with our drafty windows!

Our room now feels like a retreat instead of a cluttered chaotic mess. I hope having some place safe and calm to relax in is helpful for DH and I.

Bedroom Makeover

Here's what I am working with:

Looking in from the hall to DH's dresser

Standing in the closet looking at the bed 

 Looking at my dresser & the linen closet

There are really only a couple of places where our bed can go. Pretty much in front of one of the windows. The plan is to move the bed to the other window and move the dressers to the short wall by the linen closet. Those are the only two walls with outlets, so I hope this move eliminates some of the extension cords run around the room as well. 

One week down....

Saying goodbye

Well, we've survived this first week. It's so weird, in some ways it feels like we never even had a baby. We knew we wouldn't be bringing her home, so there was no baby paraphernalia around the house. No car seat installed in the car. Her things have all been placed into a storage tub and set in my closet. The rest of life has moved on...and I feel kind of stuck. It's a weird feeling. I had months to prepare for this and kind of feel relieved that it is finally over. I want to move on - just trying to figure out how to make that happen.

I weighed in this morning at 127.6. That means I am down 21lbs since I delivered last week and only 6lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Apparently it is pretty easy to lose weight when you really just don't want to eat. Trying to make myself eat three meals a day with healthy food options (produce and lean proteins, few sugars and limiting salts). Drinking a lot of water and iced tea to stay hydrated.

What a difference a week makes

I need some kind of project to keep me busy. I am working on organizing our house and getting things in order. Guess it's a weird form of nesting. Since I don't get a nursery to paint and decorate, I told DH that I wanted to re-do our bedroom. It's the one room we have done NOTHING with. I would describe it as dorm-room chic. It's really just a random hodge podge of furniture. So I am trying to pull it all together. Some paint, some curtains, and some new sheets. Moving things around so that we have a better "flow" and maximize the space. I think it will do me a lot of good to have a nice, settled space to relax in.

For those who asked

SIL did end up setting up a donation site for us after Aubree was born. I still am not sure how I feel about it, but we've had several friends and family members ask what they could do to help us, and this is honestly the best thing right now. Our freezer is already full of casseroles ;)

The plan is to pay off our medical bills and get things back on-track. Still makes me feel kind of weird to see it though. I would gladly be in debt for the rest of our lives if it meant we could have kept her :(

Something to do

I have to say, post-partum recovery is a million times easier without having a newborn to take care of. Not that I wouldn't give EVERYTHING I have to have her still here with us. Just trying to find some positive things to focus on right now.

Last Monday when I went to the doctor I was 148.8lbs. Coming home after delivery I was down to 136.8 (which seems normal for baby + fluid weight). Just weighed myself today and I am down to 131.2. I started at 122, so I have about 10lbs to go. Might be a lot harder this time since I am not nursing. I am trying to make sure I drink a full 8 glasses of water each day and I have been focusing on healthier food choices. Getting in lots of fresh fruits and veggies, lots of low-fat protein sources, taking my vitamins. Avoiding processed/salty/fried foods as much as I can.

Since we want to try again as soon as possible, I also need to get my body really healthy again. I just put in a large order on Amazon for some supplements a close nurse friend had recommended to help build up the necessary nutrients in my body to get ready to support another pregnancy. They usually take a few months to get build up, so I am starting now. It makes me feel like I can DO something, even though there's really not a lot I can actually do right now.

Thanks to the belly/hip belts, I am back in my normal clothes (got the pants on the day after I gave birth, was able to button & zip all the way three days after). I seriously think it's all due to those belts. I washed them this morning while we were at church & thought I would just wear a flowy dress and let my tummy rest since I've pretty much been wearing them 24/7 since we came home. By the time we got home I had a hard time buttoning my pants again and felt like my insides were hanging out. Belts are back on and I feel much more supported now :) Maternity clothes have all been lent to SIL so I don't even have them at home to fall back on. Pretty good motivation to stay on top of it!

Tomorrow I am going to start some easy exercises. Mainly walking - I am planning to take DD out shopping and maybe to the park. Walking and pushing a stroller is great exercise, and the belts help me keep my posture in-line. Hopefully this will help get my abs strong enough for another pregnancy. And being active really helps my mood, which is needed right now. I am holding it together pretty well right now since we had so long to prepare for this, but I do have my random crying spells. Focusing on something positive and taking steps to move forward should help a lot.

Happy Birthday to Me...I guess

This week was my 30th birthday. Definitely not how I had imagined it would be. I really wanted to just forget about it. But DH was sweet and took me out for lunch and got me some lovely presents, and then we had to go to the funeral home to make final arrangements for Aubree. This week our mailbox has been a strange mix of sympathy cards and birthday cards.

I really hope 31 is a million times better.

I am feeling kind of down right now. I see big families, and DH and I have always dreamed of having several kids. But being 1:3 on successful pregnancies, I just don't see that happening any time soon. Those really aren't great odds. We've talked about adoption, but neither of us are quite ready for that process yet (and we sure as hell can't afford it). I am hoping my doctor gives us clearance to start trying again as soon as we are ready. I can't overlap my time off at work, so I really can't get pregnant before November. Which is fine, I don't think it will happen again that fast. Well, maybe, who knows. I seem to have no problem getting pregnant, just having a hard time keeping them until they are full term. Seems weird to be talking about it only days after we lost Aubree, but we had months to prepare for that and I think we both will be ready to try again sooner rather than later. And it's not like I am getting any younger, so I don't want to wait too long.I really want 2-3 more kids before I turn 35 and my odds get even worse.

I do get full medical leave from work. So I have five more weeks before I need to go back. It will be nice to have the time to focus on Aly and getting our lives back in order. I really want to work on potty training with her soon. We tried it at the beginning of July and she did alright, but I just didn't have the energy to stick with it. I also want to get some things organized and get back into cooking and planning meals regularly. And I would like to get back to a regular workout routine (although I really can't start that until after 6 weeks). Hopefully having the other things worked out will give me enough time to focus on getting back in shape and staying healthy.

Speaking of getting in shape, I've been wearing a belly binder since about 10 hours after Aubree was born. It's three days later, and I can fit into my regular pants and zip them up! I was a bit skeptical, but I have to say, it's working really well. And the added support feels amazing! I only take it off to use the restroom or to shower. I think it's helped with the post-partum bleeding too. With DD it seemed to go on for a long time, but this time around it's almost done. I didn't get the expensive binders (because I am too cheap). I just got a $5 one from Walmart (Gold's Gym athletic belt) and another one I found on clearance at Babies R Us. I wear one down over my hips and up to my belly button. Then I put the other at the bottom of my bustline and overlap on the stomach. I am wearing them over clothes right now too, which helps to wick away the water weight that is getting sweated out and keeps the bands off my skin.

An Angel's Birthday

Aubree was born straight into the arms of Jesus on 8/13/2013.

It's been awhile since I updated

Financially we are treading water. The medical bills just about equal any progress we make each month, but at least we are not diving backwards. We are almost to our OOP max for the year (should hit it as soon as the last few bills are processed), so we should be able to make traction once that's done. Our 2013 goals set in January are probably shot, but just the fact that we are not going backwards right now is amazing.

As for Aubree, she's still hanging in there. Despite ALL odds. Right now she's pushing her head against my hip and trying to break the ribs on my right side with her feet ;) My lower rib actually sticks out a bit now!! I've got updates on her here.

And there may be good news regarding our home. A large IT company in the area recently announced that it purchased a large section of abandoned property near our home. They plan to bring in 15,000 jobs! I am hoping that helps bring more people to the neighborhood that need a place to buy or rent.

A dream

Yesterday while standing and singing at church, I felt Aubree start to move and flip around. Immediately I imagined that it was a year later and I was standing in the same place, but holding her in my arms instead as we sang along with Daddy and Grandpa.

I can only hope and dream.

Cant catch a break!

We've been paying all the medical bills on the Citi card as they come in (well, at least what we can). That way I know each of the billers gets paid on-time, and then I can just send one payment off to cover all of them. As of last payday the balance on that card was $2,247.00. It was my bigger payday, and with the snowball we've built plus some overage from other bills that came in lower than expected, I was able to pull together $647 to pay on the Citi card. Whoo hooo!!

I was feeling pretty great about being well below $2,000 again on that card. Until I logged in today and realized that several payments had not yet posted and we are right back up to $2200 again on that thing. Damn it!

At least we've hit our $3,000 deductible, so from now on the bills will only be 20% instead of 100%. And DH gets paid this month, so we should be able to clear off the rest of the Citi card and be done with it. With the bills being much smaller from here on out I should be able to fit them into our normal monthly payments (coming out of that snowball fund). And only $1,600 more to go until we hit our OOP max anyway. I was not expecting to hit that until October, but oh well. Will be nice to have that all out of the way early I guess, especially if we end up traveling to take care of Aubree.

Speaking of her, she's still hanging in there. Growing, stretching, hiccuping, and generally being a normal pregnancy. Which is absolutely amazing, because no one thought she would make it even this far. Only 11 more days until we pass the threshold where the local hospital agreed they would attempt to care for her if she was born alive. And we are waiting on second opinions from the leaders in care for babies with heterotaxy (more here).

Our accounts are sitting at $40 or so and we still have 12 more days to go until payday. But the cars have gas, the fridge is full, and the bills are paid. These lean times are getting farther & farther between. I am glad this isn't our normal anymore. Hopefully this is one of the last times we have to stretch this thin.

DIY Laundry Fun :)

I love when it warms up enough to use my clothesline!! I've been hanging everything out to dry for over a month now and it's wonderful. I do have to keep an eye on the weather since we have had a lot more rain than normal. So sometimes the clothes build up and I get behind, but one load a day usually catches us up in no time. I am such a nerd - I hang the clothes up in the order I want to take them off the line. And as I take them down, I fold them up and place them in the basket. It just takes a couple of extra minutes, but then I can unload the laundry as I walk back through the house:

• Towels, sheets, blankets on bottom
• DH's and my clothes on top of towels
• DD's clothes on top of ours
• Dish towels, cloths, cleaning rags, and bibs on top since I walk through the kitchen first

For DH's dress shirts that get too wrinkly on the line, I let them dry completely then toss in the dryer with a damp sponge for 10 minutes. I can do a full load of dress clothes in the dryer and eliminate most ironing. I figure that it's saving us the electric from using the iron every day for 10+ minutes.

I also started making my own detergent. I thought it was too hard and was always turned off by the idea of having to grate a bar of soap into bits and then cooking the concoction on the stove. And with a toddler, there's no way I wanted a 5-gallon bucket of liquid just hanging around!! Last time I used the liquid no-cook recipe but it still was a mess. I needed to find something even easier to mix up and easy to store.

I found some recipes online, looked through reviews, and came up with one that is nearly fool-proof and SO EASY! It took me just a couple of minutes to mix up 32 loads worth. Here it is:

• 1 cup borax - box $3.38 @ WalMart
• 1 cup washing soda - box $3.24 @ WalMart
• 1 bar white Zote - $.97 @ WalMart

I used my food Ninja to mix it up. First pour in one cup of the powder - doesn't matter which one. Then cut the bar of soap into chunks and add it on top. Then pour in the other cup of powder. Blend it until well-mixed. Dump into an air-tight container and you are done! No cooking, no grating. 10 minutes or less. The Ninja can just be rinsed out well since it only had soap in it!

This makes about 4 cups worth of powdered detergent. I used 1/4 cup on the last jumbo load of laundry and it was too much. I think I will stick with 2T per load. But the clothes came out clean, smelling fresh, and most stains were gone. I tested it with DD's play clothes and DH's gym socks that he had just worn while mowing (grass stains, oil, and dirt all over the bottom from walking across the garage). There were some hints of stains left but I had to look close to find them. I was really impressed with the results!

Some reviews said they had trouble with the detergent dissolving in the washer. I added the powder first, and then added in about 1'' of hot water to the washer to dissolve, then switched to cold and added in the clothes. Seemed to do the trick :) If you have a front-loader you could always dissolve in a cup of warm water first if needed.

And for things that I know needed an extra boost, I mixed up some stain remover. Easiest thing ever :) It got out ketchup, deodorant stains from a white shirt, and random messes from DD's shirt.

• 1 8oz bottle peroxide (I got the one with a spray trigger - $1.23 @ WalMart)
• 2oz (2T) Dawn with Bleach Alternative

Add Dawn straight to the peroxide bottle, turn to mix. I spray this on EVERYTHING! Test it first on things you are unsure of for color-fastness, but I've not had anything bleach out yet. I buy the big bottles of peroxide to refill it with which brings the cost down even more. 

Crappy Mommy

One child is dying and the other one seems to hate me. Sometimes I feel like the worst mom ever.

Aly has been acting out a lot lately. Mainly with me. She is obedient and pleasant for our babysitters, and even pretty good for DH. But when I see her she screams and runs away. She hits me, kicks me, tells me to go away. When I ask her to do something the answer is always "NO, Mommy, NO!" It's a constant fight to get her to do the simplest things like letting me change her diaper or brush her hair. She fights me even when I try to give her what she's asked for (like a new cup of milk).

I think she's having a hard time along with DH and I. But she just doesn't know how to deal with it or express what she wants. Not that she understands about Aubree, but she knows we are upset and stressed out and it affects her. And she's been passed off to family members a lot lately for appointments, MIL being out of town, and a couple of nights where I just didn't have it in me to deal with her because I could barely take care of myself. So her "normal" has been completely upended as well. I know it's all factoring into her behavior lately. I keep trying to be patient with her, speaking softly and giving her several opportunities to respond in the way she knows she should (like coming to me when I ask her to, or complying with diaper changes). But there are times when my patience wears thin and she ends up going to bed early or spending half the night in time-outs.

Tonight, though, we had a good night. She ate her dinner at the table with me and even seemed to enjoy it. After dinner she got to play with all of her toys and watch her favorite shows. The last couple of nights she's been at other places, so this was great for her to be in her most familiar territory. She played and even crawled up on the couch with me for some cuddles and tickle fights. When she took a bath tonight, she stayed in the tub and obeyed when I told her to sit down. Usually when bath time ends she has a melt-down, but tonight she cheerfully got out of the tub and let me dress her and brush her hair without a fight. She even let me brush her teeth and trim her toenails!! After we got ready for bed she went straight to DH to say goodnight instead of running away from us. Then she walked to her room, said "I luff you, Mommy! Night night time!" and went straight to her crib. I even got a hug when I picked her up to put her in the crib :) And then she settled in with her dolls and blankies and told me goodnight as I turned out the light and left the room.

I know she's just a toddler and that she doesn't really hate me. But it hurts a lot when she wants nothing to do with me :( I am glad we had a good night together though, and I hope these continue. I can't imagine what she's going through right now with everything so out of place from her normal schedule and a mommy & daddy that are sad all the time. It is really hard to balance parenting one child while grieving for another. I just hope we don't mess up too badly and that we all find our way through to the other side of this.

Update on Aubree

I put it on my other blog, and don't really feel like typing it all out again. So here it is for anyone that may be interested :)

Defying the odds

Seems like just yesterday we were finding out the horrible news about our little baby. But as I look at the calendar I realize it was nearly 8 weeks ago! Almost two months have passed and Aubree is still hanging in there, defying the odds. As of Sunday we will officially reach 24 weeks - the age of "viability" and the point  where there might be a chance of helping her. We have an appointment with the specialists again on Monday morning. Hoping for better news this time, but no matter what I will enjoy the time we get to spend watching her. I will never forget how much she moved around at that last ultrasound - throwing her little tantrum and trying to get them to stop poking at her. She is still really active, especially after I eat something spicy :)

So for now, we continue our waiting game. And enjoying watching my belly move as she kicks and flips all over, seemingly unaware that she wasn't supposed to have made it this far.

Winding down?

I feel like our time with Aubree is coming to an end soon. She's been considerably less active yesterday & today. I still get a kick here or there but not like I had been. I all of a sudden feel the need to have everything ready for her RIGHT NOW. We went shopping today and I bought some preemie outfits and a doll outfit (in case the preemie ones were too large). I still need to get one size smaller on the doll outfit, possibly something in the 10-12'' range. Since I really have no idea what will fit her I am just keeping the tags on everything and we can decide at the time what we need, and then take back what we won't use. I started packing the hospital bag so we have everything close by and ready to go. Just need to wash her blankie and get it in there. I am working on a blanket for a co-worker's baby that I hope to finish this weekend so I will just wash those two together. I also want to get a little lovey or something that we can keep to remind us of her. I looked at several this weekend, but again nothing seemed right. Maybe I will make a tiny one out of the same yarn I used for her blanket.

We've made it 22 weeks. I hope we have several more, but I am just not sure. I have decided on what tattoo I want to get when I am no longer pregnant. I've wanted to get a tattoo for several years now, but nothing seemed right and I didn't want to settle for something that wasn't meaningful to me. I am going to take some paper along with us to the hospital to get a good handprint and footprint from Aubree. I want to get her footprint tattooed on my side just below my ribs, since that's where her little foot has been hanging out for the last week. Aly always liked to keep her feet there too - must be a really comfortable spot.

End of May

I can honestly say that I have NEVER been more happy to leave a month behind in the past. I can honestly say this has been the most difficult month of my life so far. Thankfully, it wasn't too terrible financially (but that's because only part of the medical bills are in - haha!). We will see how June ends up looking, but before I get too far ahead of myself, let's wrap up May's financials:
 

2013 start: $62,300.13

May 2013: $53,070.73

Total difference: $9,229.40

 
Not bad at all! DH has been getting consistent paychecks, we've been able to keep our main living expenses down, and for now we are just cruising along with paying down these balances. We are quickly approaching the point where our 401K balances and our total level of debt are nearly the same. I expect that before the end of the third quarter we will be able to finally say we have more in the 401K than we have in outstanding debt (not including the mortgage). WOW! When I first started this process I thought that day would never come.
 
We managed to not charge anything on the credit cards until the medical bills started pouring in. Since they were coming from so many different places, I paid them all using the same card so I could keep track of things on my end and then focus on paying down the card balance. It also buys me a little bit of extra time to come up with the funds to pay the bills. But none of those charges hit the card until June, so I will talk about them then :)
 
In July we will have left-digit shifts on several of our larger accounts (student loans and car payment). Those are always fun milestones to pass. I really think June will be trying to tread water and not get too far backwards with the medical bills, but July should be good again with DH's larger quarterly paycheck. I've planned to just take my paid leave whenever I deliver Aubree and will go back to work when that is over, so we no longer have to budget for unpaid time off. Since we've nearly reached our OOP max on insurance, I forsee those expenses dropping off sharply soon. My parents have offered to help with funeral expenses if we need it, so it is nice to know that is available. I have discovered there are several funeral homes in the area that also donate services for infants and I may contact one of them to see if we are eligible. It kind of feels wrong to try & find something low-cost/take advantage of free resources (it's been beat into my head by YM that only lazy mooches look for handouts). But they offer, and we qualify, so we might as well. I do plan to pay for a photographer even though they have free ones available. I wanted to pick someone that I knew, who does great work, and would most likely be available. I've heard sad stories about NILMDTS not being available and families not getting pictures with their babies.  

21 weeks!

We've made it to 21 weeks! (don't mind the messy room in the background!) Aubree is still kicking and moving around like crazy. And, as you can see, my belly is really rounding out and I am really looking pregnant now. I've been working on a blanket for Aubree. I got half-way through and ran out of yarn. When I went to get more, I found out it had been discontinued. I was so sad :( None of the stores around here had any left. So I took to the internet and was able to find two skeins of yarn that matched perfectly. Whew! Here's Aubree helping me with her blankie:

We went to Chicago this weekend to see DH's family. It was quite the eventful trip. On the way there we narrowly missed the path of a tornado, but unfortunately we got stranded on the interstate for four hours due to downed power lines from the tornado. We didn't get to our hotel until 2am, which means DD was up until 2am because she does not sleep in the car. Thankfully the trip got much better once we arrived at our destination. It was wonderful to see family and spend a few days with them. The trip back was long and boring, but thankfully there were no storms. DD did really well in the car for 9 hours and only started to melt down about 20 minutes away from home. She was so excited to see her bed tonight :) She ran right to the crib and thanked me when I put her in it.

Making Plans

DH and I have been able to talk about things here & there over the past couple of days. I have decided I don't want to deliver at the hospital where I had DD. There's a nurse there that I know and I really just don't want to deal with her. The other hospital I can go to is a Catholic hospital, which I am hoping will mean they will be more sensitive with these issues. We live right between both so it does not really matter which one I go to.

I got a picture frame with a hand-print kit this weekend. The kind where it has the clay on one side and a picture on the other. That way I can keep a hand & foot print close along with a picture of our sweet girl. I am starting a hospital bag and this will be the first thing to go in it.

I have also started crocheting a blanket for her. I've been taking pictures of the process with my belly in there. Aubree has been happily kicking along as I crochet. Aly climbed up and grabbed part of the blanket and snuggled it up to her face. I think she approves of her little sister's blankie.

We still need to talk about our preference for funeral arrangements. DH just refuses to talk about it, which is fine. I want to buy some outfits for her, but I want his input so he feels like he had a choice as well. I know I tend to be the analytical thinker, the planner, while he is the more emotional one. It's comforting to me to make plans because I can actually be DOING something. But I don't want to railroad all the decisions and not let him give input or make choices.

Last night as we fell asleep, DH laid his hand on my belly. Aubree responded with two strong kicks. It was the first time he had been able to feel her move from the outside. Thankful for every moment that we can get.

Answers

Today at our appointment we got answers to most of our questions. Unfortunately, they were not the answers we had hoped for. Miss Aubree is already showing signs of heart failure. She's starting to have fluid build up in her belly, around her lungs, and around her heart. Her heart rate has slowed even more and the bottom half has stopped beating completely. It only moves due to the pressure put on it by the upper chambers pumping. The placenta is thickening and showing signs of distress and fluid buildup.

Our little girl has a 0% chance of making it to term. It is highly unlikely that she will make it even four more weeks to be considered viable for delivery. They told us that the stress of delivery would be too much for her little heart. Even having a c-section would be difficult and her body most likely could not handle the transition from womb to outside life. Her heart problems are too severe.

It was horrible to hear the news, but in some ways it was a relief to finally have answers. We opted for the second opinion with the pediatric cardiologists just to be sure, but we are pretty sure they will confirm the diagnosis. Hell, at this point we've paid out our OOP max for insurance so why not? At least we will be able to have the comfort of knowing we tried all we could.

The doctor told us at this point it really is just a matter of time. He said the more time passes, the greater the likelihood of her passing away before the next ultrasound. They were very kind and gave us some great profile shots and a cute picture of her tiny little baby feet :) I've scheduled a 3D sonogram for next week so we can have those pictures since we really don't know if we will get another chance.

Depending on how long she holds on, we have some other choices to make. At this point I will have to go through labor and delivery. The alternative is just unimaginable to me. If she is born before 24 weeks, then we can have our time with her, get our pictures, and the hospital can arrange for disposal of her remains. After 24 weeks we have to have a funeral home take care of her. We have to choose between cremation and burial. Do we want a service?

And we have to make our birth plan. Unless I go into distress, they will let me deliver naturally since it really makes no difference to the baby. We have to choose a hospital and make a plan for the things we want. Do we want molds of her hands and feet? Do we want family pictures? Who do we want to allow in there - grandparents, siblings, extended family, friends, or will it be just us? What do we do with Aly - should she be allowed to be there or should she stay with someone else? How do we find outfits small enough for a baby at this age? I've already reached out to a friend that's a photographer because I have heard sad stories about NILMDS not being able to get to people in time. It's run by volunteers, and unfortunately it's sometimes hard to get people to volunteer for something like this. Which is completely understandable but can make a tough situation for the families.

I need to have a bag packed & ready to go. Which probably means I should get it ready as soon as possible. Hopefully DH and I can get a lot of this planning knocked out this weekend. Really shitty way to spend the holiday weekend, but it will be comforting to know it is taken care of. I think I want our dads to help with the funeral arrangements. In the moment, I think DH and I will be too distraught to think clearly. Planning ahead and having someone else ready to implement that plan will be helpful.

My hope & prayer at this point is that we will make it as long as possible and that she will be born alive. Even if all we get is 5 minutes with her, I want to see her while she's still alive.

May Update

Five months of the year down. I can't believe we are already to the end of May! So far things are looking ok. We've been able to keep up with the medical bills received so far & not gone backwards, but that will probably change next month since I am pretty sure we just hit our OOP max in one month instead of over several like I had anticipated. At least we will get it out of the way early, huh? I will start with the CCs:
 

1/1/2013 start $24,500.00

5/20/2013 current $17,752.77

Total Paid = $6,747.23

 
Slowly but surely still chipping away at these. We have halted to minimum payments for the forseeable future on these. Most of it is at 0% until next June (2014), so I am not in a big hurry. We will get the med bills settled first then come back to these. But even the minimums are getting us over $400 per month in progress, so we are still moving in the right direction.
 
We have a couple of trips booked for June. One to Chicago to meet FIL's side of the family, and one to NM to see MIL's family. Those trips are already planned & paid for  We are doing really well not using the CCs so far. I do plan to pay the medical bills off with the CC since we are having them come in from several different places. It will be easier for me to track them if I use the same payment method for all, and then pay off the CC as those bills come in. Even then, I have been saving money back to pay for these bills so hopefully we can cover them and not really go backwards too far.
 
We are down to three "CCs" - two 0% balance transfers, and one that is more of a loan than a CC. We are hoping to be able to pay the loan off completely in July when DH gets his quarterly payments. That will free up $250/month in payments and get rid of the last item incurring interest on that list. At the very least, we want that one paid off by September so it is done before Aubree gets here.
 
Next week I can post the remainder of the May updates. That should be pretty exciting since we will make a left-digit shift and get pretty close to our $10,000 mark! 

Round 3

And...we passed! We have now cleared the hurdle of genetic testing. Aubree's heart defects were not caused by genetic factors but most likely just by random chance. The good news is there shouldn't be any issue other than her heart. The bad news is we still don't know a lot right now.

The specialist wants to see us next week, around 19.5 weeks. They will do another full checkup on her to make sure her growth is on-track, all other systems are growing & functioning fine, and to do another fetal heart echo. From there, we've been told we can get a referral to the Fetal Health Center at Children's Mercy. The specialist still seems to have a pretty grim opinion of Aubree's overall chance of success, but to be honest, he's not the pediatric cardiologist. I need to hear their opinion to see what we can do for her. And I am prepared to go to some other places to get third/fourth opinions as well. Not that I am looking for someone to tell me what I want to hear, but I need to make sure we've really pursued every avenue available to help her.

After my mini-meltdown yesterday, I am making myself stay away from Google. The good stories make me hopeful, and the sad stories make me terribly sad. I love numbers and statistics but even those are upsetting right now. So today I am telling myself that Aubree has a 0% chance if I just sit back and don't fight for one. DH and I are really her only advocates right now. And if we have to travel half-way across the country to get her to the place where she needs to be, then we will do it. And if we talk with the surgeons here and feel confident in their abilities, then we will stay.

How I'm feeling today

18 weeks - almost half-way done! My belly is really growing. It's now completely obvious that I am pregnant. Either that, or I am trying to smuggle a basketball under my shirt. At this point with Aly I was thrilled to find out that we were having a little girl. I was planning the nursery, getting things together for our girl, and over all just so excited to be pregnant.

This time around, every kick & roll feels like a stab to the heart. I want nothing more than to bring home another baby, but the more we learn about her conditions, the more I am realizing that might not happen. Seems like a cruel joke, to go through a pregnancy and not even get to take home a baby for it. Sometimes I am able to forget for just a second and enjoy feeling her roll around. I've got an anterior placenta this time so her movements are more muffled and harder to feel than they were with Aly. Even that seems not fair - like I can't even enjoy feeling her movements during the short time that she may be with us.

The more we get info on her conditions and look into facilities and doctors equipped to treat her, it makes me second guess everything. Last week I was feeling pretty good after reading some research articles. Outcomes on the first procedure for most infants with HLHS is about 93%. Awesome! Except that's the group that didn't have any other conditions on top of it. With her heart block and situs inversus, she gets put into the complex group that only had a success rate of 57%. It's better than 0%, but still very grim. And with the additional issues it seems like the local hospital would not be able to treat her so we would be forced to travel, hopefully traveling before delivery so that she could be born at the facility where she would be treated & not have to be transported later.

I am sad. 1:3 might be a good batting average, but it's a sucky track record when it comes to successful pregnancies. And to see so many other people around me getting pregnant & having their babies around the same time Aubree is due is also hard. I honestly know over 20 women due between August and November.

Round 2 Test Results

The second round of amnio results are in. This one tested all pairs of chromosomes. The doctor compared it to looking at a set of encyclopedias. In this round of testing, they were checking to make sure all of the volumes were present. All 23 pairs of chromosomes were accounted for with no trisomies or obvious deletions. This is good news :)

The last round of tests will look into each pair to make sure all the appropriate pieces are there. This can be compared to looking into the individual volumes and making sure all the pages are there. They are hoping to have these results in by the end of the week or the beginning of next week. The fact that we've passed the first two rounds is great. The chances of finding something in this next round are about 1.5%.

Once all of the results are in we can proceed with a referral to the pediatric cardiologist at the fetal health center. The geneticist did say that the maternal/fetal specialist had a very pessimistic outlook for Aubree even without genetic issues because her defects are so severe. But I really want the consult with the actual cardiologist to see what they have to say. Not that I doubt the first doctor, but I have to know if we even have a shot.

So we have the test results but I feel like we still don't know anything.

**ETA**

My insurance website sent me an alert that the EOBs from meeting with the specialist were available. HOLY CRAP. I think it's safe to say we probably hit our $5,000 OOP max just with that visit. I am completely overwhelmed at the cost to just sit in the Dr's office to visit! Over $2,000 just for the specialist. That didn't include the ultrasounds, amnio, genetic testing, or anything else. 

Tough Decisions

I have a feeling this is just another round of a million tough decisions that we will face in the coming months.

Assuming that we pass the next two rounds of genetic testing, we have to start looking at hospitals and surgeons. HLHS is seen in about 100 babies per year. The local children's hospital is pretty highly rated for the Midwest. But the BEST hospital is CHOP in Philly. Our hospital sees maybe 4-6 of these babies a year, while CHOP maybe has 20-30. With more cases comes more experience and higher success rates for the heart surgeries.

But we also have another child that needs us. And I have a job that I HAVE to keep because we desperately need the insurance now (and DH looked into private insurance - approx $30,000/yr and only expected to go higher!). I can't pack up and go to Philly for six months. I don't want our family to be separated for that long.

So do we choose the hospital that has the best success rates, and in doing so, split up our family causing strain on our finances, marriage, and resulting in our oldest daughter being without her parents for long periods of time? Or do we stay local and trust that the doctors here are competent, and keep our family together while we walk through our toughest struggle yet? We are leaning toward the second option at the moment. We will know more as things proceed but for now I feel this is the best option. And with technology, there's no reason why the surgeons here can't consult with those at CHOP, even while the procedure is being performed. And there's always the possibility of bringing in a surgeon. I have no doubts that the NICU here can take great care of our little one. Its the only level 4 NICU in the area.

But in the back of my mind, I still have some lingering doubts. If we stay here, are we REALLY doing everything that we can to ensure Aubree has the best chance possible?

I guess there's no way to know for sure until we've made a decision and walked that road completely. This is the hardest part of parenting so far. Knowing there are several choices and not being sure of which is the best, but just having to choose what seems to be right at the moment.

Humbled & Encouraged

SIL posted a sweet note about Aubree on Thursday. DH and I have received so many calls, texts, messages, and cards in the mail to let us know that people all over the world are praying for us and our sweet little girl.

We didn't get any updates on Friday for the 2nd round of tests so hopefully we will hear on Monday or Tuesday. This next week is shaping up to be a really busy one at work, which will be nice to help me stay occupied. Not looking forward to having to go to court on Friday though. Found out that I am the company witness. I've never testified before a court before! So so nervous. I keep hoping the other party won't show up (which is not an unrealistic probability given our previous interactions and all the meetings they have missed). Hopefully we get some good news about Aubree before then so I have something happy to think about.

We are....

We are having another little lady :) Poor DH is so outnumbered - even the dog is a girl! We've named her Aubree Grace. Aly is pretty excited to get a little sister. To be honest, I am a bit relieved that it is a girl since we can reuse most of Aly's things for the new baby. And, interestingly, one of my friends that is a NICU nurse actually said that it was a good thing we were having a girl since girls tend to handle these types of issues better than boys do. Not sure why that is, but glad for any kind of advantage we can get.

She's much more active over the past few days. I am loving all the kicks and rolls. Waiting on the next two rounds of test results before we can proceed to the cardiologist (hopefully!). Currently at 17w3d. We need to make it at least another 7 weeks, but holding out hope that she will go full-term. I feel totally different about this pregnancy than I did with Aly. The first time, I was so excited to meet her that I went walking for miles every night and even tried castor oil to help convince her to move out. This time around I want her to stay in as long as possible!

Preliminary Results

The amnio results come back in stages. The first stage tests the most common abnormalities (13, 18, 21, and sex). The geneticist called to day to say we passed all four of those!! We will have to wait another week for the other 19 to be tested. I guess abnormalities in those are much more rare at this stage in the game since they are mostly incompatible with life. But since we've already hit incredible odds with the defects present at this point, I still am holding my breath until we hear for sure.
 
I am sitting at my desk with a clear view out my window of the Children's hospital, the place where I could potentially deliver this little one. For the first time since last Wednesday, I feel like we may have some hope. We are 20 minutes away from one of the best pediatric cardiac places in the country. And at work, I am less than 5 minutes away. And the hospital just added delivery suites for high-risk pregnancies so that the babies don't have to be transported after delivery. Much easier to make mom move around ;)
 
We also found out the gender today. DH and I decided to name this baby as soon as possible to help us bond with the baby. Something about the whole process just seems more real once you put a name to those cute little faces. It's going to have to be a pretty important name.

Step One

Spent the morning at the perinatologists. Got some cute shots of baby (thumb sucker!!), but still wouldn't reveal the goods. Ha! But...baby's cord has three vessels and not two like they told us yesterday!!!

Here's what we know right now: 1) Baby's organs are all reversed. Heart and stomach are on the right side of it's body instead of on the left. It's the least of our worries, but does affect how they read the sonograms. 2) Baby has hypoplasty of one of the heart ventricles. They are assuming the left (HLHS), but since the organs are reversed and backwards it could be the right. This means the part of the heart that pumps blood out into the body did not develop correctly. In the womb, this is not as serious, but once baby is born it would immediately need open heart surgery. 3) Baby has a complete heart block. The part of the heart that acts as the pacemaker is malfunctioning, most likely because of the hypoplasty. The top of the heart (atria) where blood comes is is beating at 130. The bottom of the heart (ventricles - sends blood to lungs or body) is beating at 90. Once baby is born they could put in a pacemaker to correct. There is nothing they could do in-utero though. Due to the difference in the rates within the heart the baby is at a 50/50 risk for heart failure in the womb. This would be fatal unless they just happened to catch it at a time when they could deliver baby in time.

To top it off, they need to know if there are any chromosomal abnormalities before they can even begin to make an action plan to care for baby. If it's Trisomy 21 (Down's), or no chromosomal issues, then we go to a pediatric cardiologist for the rest of the pregnancy. That would mean I would deliver at Children's Mercy with a scheduled c-section and baby would go immediately into open heart surgery, with other surgeries to follow over the course of a few years. If there are chromosome issues other than Downs, they are completely incompatible with life. I could continue the pregnancy with my normal OB and deliver at my normal hospital with a hospice team instead of the normal neonate care.

I had an amnio done in the office today. Honestly, I was terrified of it but it was not much worse than getting blood drawn. I had only heard horror stories but it was fine. I feel fine now and they did an US the whole time to make sure baby was ok, and then checked baby out again afterwards. We will get the first stage of results next week, with more to come over the next couple of weeks as they go through everything completely to see if they can figure out the cause for the defect. If nothing shows up, then this was not chromosomal but just random chance. If trisomies are present, then again it was random and most likely would not occur with another pregnancy (doctor said less than 1% chance). If the issue is missing chromosome pieces, then DH and I would be encouraged to get future testing because it means the risk to a future pregnancy is higher, but still rare.

The doctor told us he sees the hypoplastic hearts frequently since he's the specialist - that's what he does. The inverted organs on their own are more rare, and the heart block by itself is even more rare. But he's never seen all three present at the same time. I feel like we should go buy a lottery ticket because apparently we can hit 1:1,000,000,000,000 odds.

So we have some answers, but we still don't know yet what is going on. The doctor has said there is no risk to me right now in continuing the pregnancy. DH and I have decided to not choose termination, but to carry the pregnancy as long as we are able to. I know things will come in waves, but for right now I am not really sad. I am accepting the fact that we will most likely not get to raise this baby but we may get the chance to see & hold our baby if even for a little bit. I know this is something I didn't cause and something I could not have prevented, and it most likely will not happen to us again with another baby. I'm not angry or thinking "why us?" To me it's not an indication of God not caring for us or not providing for us. It's just something that happens, and we will make the best of it that we can, and DH and I will get through it together. (Someone may need to remind me of this later when I am breaking down).

And now I need a nap.

Matters of the heart

I went for my routine 16 week appointment yesterday. Everything looked good except that once again they couldn't find baby's heartbeat. The ultrasound tech is out this week so the Dr. gave it a try. She warned me ahead of time that she was not the best at doing sonograms and she definitely would not be able to give me a gender shot. We get in there, start the scan, and see the little heart flickering on the screen. Whew!

Except...it doesn't look right. The heart beat is slow and irregular. The Dr. tried a couple more shots but still wasn't getting what she wanted to see. And since she's not too familiar with the particular machine she was using, she didn't know how to get a reading on the heart rate. So she told me she wanted another scan just to be sure everything was ok. I was told I could wait a week for the normal nurse to be back in the office, I could go to the hospital that night, or I could go to the diagnostic imaging center in the morning. No way I could have waited a week, but I didn't want to spend the whole night at the hospital either. So I chose the morning appointment.

When we went in this morning the heartbeat looked the same. The nurse took several pictures and then said she needed to go speak with the on-site Dr. and she would be back. My heart sank. I've had scans at this place before, and this was the first time anyone went to talk to the on-site Dr. After about 10 minutes the nurse came back and said the Dr. wanted some more pictures. She took the additional shots and left again. I could hardly talk to DH because I was getting so nervous. I could tell he was nervous too because he kept bouncing his leg and fidgeting with his phone.

After 15 minutes or so the nurse came back with the Dr. I knew at that moment we were in for bad news.

The Dr. explained that baby's heart did not develop correctly. The heart was beating at 92 bpm and was very irregular. There are not four chambers to the heart like there should be (although he wouldn't say how many there were, but the pictures seemed to only show two). The umbilical cord only has two vessels instead of the normal three. The Dr. had already called by OB to let her know before he came to talk to us. He said she would be calling us later today with more news and that we would be seeing a perinatologist very soon. I just broke down crying.

So for now I just have to wait. Wait for the OB to call me. Wait for the appointment with the specialists. Wait to see what, if anything, our plan of action will be.

**OB called. Appointment with the specialist tomorrow for a second opinion, but she was not hopeful. She said our choices right now are to wait or to schedule termination because the condition is fatal and the baby won't make it to term. Trying to remain hopeful for the appointment tomorrow but preparing myself for the worst. 

April Update

Here's our end of the month update! I didn't round off the numbers or make it too pretty, but I don't care. We are making great progress!
 

1/1/2013 Start: $62,300.13

4/30/2013 Current: $53,885.36

Paid: $8,414.77

 
Whoo hooo! Four months under our belt and over $8,000 paid. Not sure how things will go from here but it is exciting to see this progress. Even with minimums the rest of the year we would beat our total paid off last year.
 
As for the credit cards only, we were able to pay off what we went back this month plus another card!
 

1/1/2013 Start: $24,500.00

4/30/2013 Current: $18,169.14

Paid: $6,330.86

 

We've paid off 25%!! And now we are down to just three cards. Two are at 0% until June 2014 so I am not in a rush to pay those off. The other is at 5% fixed for the life of the balance. These will be turtling along for awhile until we get the medical bills situated since they are rolling in already.

21 months old!

Miss A is 21 months old. Where does the time go? She's now 23lbs, approx 31" tall, and just moved into size 18m clothes this week. Our petite little princess :)

 
Right now some of her favorite things are:

• Grabbing her microphone & singing while strumming on daddy's guitar
• Dancing and signing while daddy plays his guitar
• Wearing dresses, jewelry, pretend make-up, and of course - a tiara.
• Playing with her caterpillar, Buggie, and her Tinkerbelle
• Playing tea party
• Coloring! She loves to dump out the box of crayons and tell us the color of each one as she puts them back. Sometimes we even color on the paper.
• Running and jumping! She finally figured out how to jump and get both feet off the ground.
• Playing at the park with her cousins and riding her "Jesse Bike!" from uncle J :)
• Building castles with her blocks and then quickly knocking it over
• Playing with Miss K, her favorite babysitter
• Eating pasta, bananas, peaches, yogurt, cheese, chicken nuggets and french fries. She's learning to use utensils and prefers to have an adult fork instead of a toddler fork.
• Working on potty training. She tells us while she's in the process of going in her diaper. Which is an improvement over telling us after the fact. She goes in the toilet maybe 50% of the time. Over Memorial Day weekend we are going to try to really focus on this.

And for some things she does not like:

• My mom. Still. Poor Nana :(
• Our dog, Lucy. She likes to look at Lucy from a distance but not up close. Lucy is pretty big (over 100lbs) but she is very gentle with Aly. We are working on this. She does well with smaller dogs.
• Crackers, sandwiches, or cauliflower
• Juice. Or any drink besides milk or water.
• Sharing. Ha!

She is talking in full sentences now. The other night there was a big thunderstorm. She got scared by the thunder and said "Mommy! What's that noise?" I took her to the front window to look out and showed her the lightening and then we would wait for the thunder to come after. When she figured out how to tell when the noise was coming she was less scared and said "Thank you, mommy. I had no idea." But my favorite is when she runs up and says "I love you too!!" when I say I love you to her. We talk to her frequently about the new baby but she still has no idea. She will figure it out soon enough :)

Yay!

DH got confirmation that a couple of his projects that were delayed will be paying out next week. So my end of the month update will be a bit later than it usually is, but hopefully it will be a nice one :) We will at least be able to pay off everything we went backwards on this month, and hopefully one more card.

We are also planning some trips this summer to go see family. One to New Mexico, and one to Chicago. It has been almost three years since DH and I have gone anywhere, and DD has never met his side of the family that lives out of state. I kind of feel guilty for using money on trips when we still have debt to pay down, but sometimes you just have to put family first. We won't be going backwards to fund these trips and we will still be making progress on our other debts. I guess when the journey is so long, sometimes you have to make sure to stop & live a bit along the way.

Rollercoaster!

So, we got the house cleaned up and waited for news from the realtors. Unfortunately we got bad news.

Then, on Tuesday, DH got an email from the realtors. They had done some further research into the comps after walking through our house, and thought they could attempt to list it at $80,000. We owe $83,000. After paying closing costs, commission, and the remainder of our loan we were looking at $12,000-15,000 to come up with to get out of this house. Better than $30,000-40,000, but still a lot of money to lose just to walk away.

So we toyed with the idea of listing just to see what happened. And DH talked to his dad about our situation. And we ran calculators to see where we stand now and where we think we should be at the end of this year.

We've decided to stay put for now. Our living expenses are fairly low right now. Based on the mortgage calculators, if we pay off our credit cards and car this year, we would be able to easily qualify for the mortgage on the house that we want even if we still have to pay on this house. We are SOOOOO CLOOOOOSE to getting out of here. At least we have a more definitive goal in sight. And we will be able to make the move when it makes the most financial sense for our family, meaning we won't be straining our finances to the max again.

So, we were going to sell. And then we weren't. And then we thought, well, maybe. And then we decided no. For now.

Next week is payday. Can't wait to see the numbers after the next round of payments. Still waiting on DH to get paid on some cases. It's a good thing we don't rely on his checks for our normal monthly living expenses. Having the stress of not knowing when/if money is coming in would be too much for me to handle!!

14 weeks!

We are officially into the second trimester :) And boy, can I tell. My "morning" (aka: all day) sickness has subsided for the most part and my energy is returning. I was glad to have the opportunity to finally clean our house after slacking off for the past couple of months. I've also planned out a menu for this week and shopped for all our food. Much better than eating cereal and telling DH he's on his own for food. I think DD will be disappointed that she has to eat what I cook & can't just pick some cereal, fruit cups, and a string cheese for dinner ;) But hey - we all survived!

Our next appointment is still two weeks away. Seems like forever! I know it will be here soon though. Nothing too fun at that appointment, but we should get the opportunity then to schedule our big 20 week ultrasound for the end of May. Yay! We are planning to find out the gender as long as baby will cooperate. I am too much of a planner and want some time to get things ready for this little one before he/she arrives. If it is a girl we should be pretty set. If it is a boy then I will have fun at all the local consignment sales and garage sales this summer getting stocked up. Clothes would be the main thing we need for a boy, and definitely the most expensive. Being able to hunt down the deals this summer would be really nice.

Right now I am in that weird "is she getting chubby, or is she pregnant?" stage. I am in maternity pants now for the most part and have been for awhile. I still have a couple pairs of low-waisted capris and a pair of skinny jeans that fit below my belly. I bought one pair of maternity dress pants but I am hoping to live in dresses once the weather finally warms up. I am trying to eat pretty healthy and make sure that I drink enough water each day. So far I've gained 6lbs, which seems like a lot considering baby only weighs a couple ounces at this point. I am aiming to keep my overall weight under 150 this time. Now that my energy has returned I hope to get to the gym a few times each week and get out to the park with DD. And just having the strength to get up off the couch should help too.

New year, same news

We had a different realtor come out, but they gave us the same news as the realtor from last year. Basically we could list our house for $50,000. We currently owe $83,000. With paying commission and all the other things we are looking at almost $40,000 needed just to get out of this house. Although several other cities around here are picking up, our little suburb has been severely hurt by losing several large businesses and failing to attract others. The new city manager is trying to help turn that around but I am afraid it may be too late. The realtor also said this area has been hit HARD by foreclosures and there does not seem to be an end in sight, with several more about to come onto the market and more distressed owners on the brink.

Needless to say, we are not listing the house. At least it's clean now, though. Right?

So the plan is still to stay put until we can pay off the difference or our incomes rise enough to qualify for both mortgages so we can get another house and rent this one out until we can sell it. I really have no desire to rent out this house though. I've heard too many horror stories of what can happen. And our living expenses are low enough in this small house that it does not make sense to rent this place out only to go somewhere else and rent. At least, not for now.

So here's the plan for tackling the debt:
1. Finish paying off the credit cards. Currently back up to $21,769 but will be back under $20,000 as soon as DH gets paid. Taxes were more than we had saved for, and we had to pay to clean up the mess from the garage flooding.
2. Pay off the car. Currently sitting at $12,800 with monthly payments of $367.
3. Not sure if we should pre-pay the mortgage or start socking the money into savings. Either way is about the same difference, but savings gives us a few more options.
4. Student loans. Last on the list for many reasons (low interest rate, higher balances, doesn't really count "against" us when trying to get a new mortgage).

We also have $5,000 in medical bills that are starting to roll in now. We've paid $200 so far. My Dr's office set up a payment plan for $2,400 of it. Right now we've been able to juggle things around and pay from my normal paychecks. Probably going to use DH's checks to pay the Dr bill first and then get back to the CCs since that has to be paid off before August in case I go into labor early.

Whew!

Today DH and I worked our bums off. The dumpster arrived at 7:30am, and by 10:30 we had it mostly loaded. Took a bit longer to get all of the yard cleaned up & the yard waste into the dumpster, but by 3pm we were finished. An entire 15 ft dumpster loaded to the top!!

And now I can park my car in the garage!!!! And our trash cans fit in the garage!!!!

Now I need to get off my bum and clean the house, but my motivation is sorely lacking. I am worn out! But we are facing a deadline: the realtors come in 16 hours!!!! I am trying to not get my hopes up too much but I really want to get good news. As long as we can break even (or come close to it), we've decided to go ahead and list the house.

Here's to hoping for good news tomorrow :)

When it rains....

It POURS! Holy cow, we have had some powerful storms over the past several days with more to come. The storms have brought down several large branches and millions of tiny ones. The tiny sticks + the buds from the trees have combined forces to clog up our gutters and the drain on our driveway. Oh fun :) But with the drain on the driveway clogged, that water has no where else to go but into our garage.

Yep - whole garage flooded the other day. I've been meaning to get in there & clean it out for months now. DH and I had decided to do it in a couple of weeks when the weather got nicer. Well, it looks like we will have to wait a bit but the decision of what to keep or not has pretty much been made for us. So now we have to wait for nice weather to get a trailer over here to load up and take to the city dump. And the hazardous waste site. And the lawn waste site. (Side note - why can't those all be in the same place????)

One one hand I am sad that we waited too long to clean things out. We had some stuff that could have been donated and now it has to be trashed. And I am afraid that several of our childhood mementos will be lost if the boxes are where I think they are. But, I am glad to have an excuse to just shovel everything out in one fell swoop and to get my garage  back. We have to clean it out soon as I can already smell the mildew growing.

Guess I have a good start on my cleaning & decluttering effort for this summer :) My goal is to have all of our stuff organized and accessible before bambino arrives in October. We have a tiny house, but that is no excuse for clutter. It just means we need to be more discerning about what we keep and what we get rid of.

And in other news, we have a realtor coming by the house on Saturday at 9am!!! YAY! I am so excited. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that they think we can sell and get the heck out of here.

Another milestone reached!

Even though I messed things up a bit with the taxes, I still managed to get our CC total under $20,000 with payments today and tomorrow. WAHOOOO!! It is such a wonderful feeling to finally get under that threshold. Our starting total was $38,287.19. Right now we are sitting at....
 
$19,999.00
 
That is 47.8% paid off!! Hopefully it just snowballs faster from here on out.

Whoops!

Baby brain has struck again. When I was pregnant with DD I messed up our household checking account pretty bad and over-drafted several times in a week. Not cool. I cleaned it up with some juggling and serious belt-tightening for a month or so. I thought I had built things up to where that *shouldn't* happen again. I diligently track every penny spent out of that account and reconcile all transactions several times a week. So imagine my surprise when I stopped by the bank today to withdraw money, only to be told by the teller that the money was not there.

WHAT?!?!?

I just left the bank and went to work. I couldn't even think straight and didn't want to mess anything up. So on my break I pulled up my account online and verified what the teller had told me. Then I pulled out the spreadsheet I use to track to see where I went wrong. Fortunately I found out nothing was wrong. I was just at the bank two days early since payday isn't until Friday and it is only Wednesday. I feel dumb now.

The good news is that I got everything sorted out and we should be able to have all the funds in order before we have to pay our taxes. Whew!! I will need to pull some money off our line of credit until DH's check comes in this month. If we don't get it paid off this month then I will have to add to our totals for the first time this year :( That's motivation enough to get it paid off! 

In other news, my energy is finally returning. I've been able to keep up with cooking dinner & keeping the house picked up for almost a week now. Amazing how much better I feel with the clutter under control. I still need to find some motivation to get back into working out regularly. My old jogging buddy doesn't want to jog with me anymore and I am completely unmotivated to go on my own. And doing a DVD workout when DD goes to bed is the last thing I really want to do.

Heartbeat

Today was our first "offical" OB appointment. I got the first appointment of the day thinking that we could be in & out and on our way to work. Even with the first appointment they were running late. Seriously??? When the Dr finally came in she asked a few questions, then got out the Doppler to listen for the heartbeat. She checked the right side, then the left side, then the middle, each time tilting the wand this way & that to try & pick up the sound. The longer she searched the faster my heart started racing, which probably made her job more difficult.

After a couple of minutes she stopped and said "Well, do you have time to stick around for an ultrasound to check for viability?" My heart sank. I know how that goes. So glad DH was with me because I almost started crying right there. So we went back to the waiting room to wait for an opening with the ultrasound tech.

The whole time we were waiting I felt like I was somewhere else. I couldn't form complete thoughts or sentences. I just wanted to lay down and cry.  DH kept telling me it was going to be just fine and got me a coffee to help pass the time.

An hour later we go back for the ultrasound. The tech got me ready, squirted the warm gel on my belly, and started her search to see what was happening. We saw a tiny little peanut-baby :) Two arms, two legs, big head and little belly. But most importantly - a nice, strong heartbeat at 134 bpm. Immediately I was so relieved and, again, almost started crying. Damn hormones. When we had an early ultrasound with DD she was moving so much they couldn't even take a picture! This little one laid perfectly still and let us check out everything. The ultrasound tech said that baby looked perfect, placenta and cord were perfect, fluid levels were right on-track, and everything lined up date-wise. And we even got to see a little wiggle of his arms & legs, then he went right back to just chilling out.

They tell me this is a baby. Haha! Baby is laying on his side with head to the left, hand up by his face, and torso to the right (with the spine on the bottom).

March Update

Well, this month did not quite turn out like I had hoped it would. DH didn't get paid yet so no big hits to the debt this month outside of our normal minimums. Next month might be the same too - it all depends on when his closed cases are approved for payout (takes a few weeks to cycle through, and then it has to hit the pay cycle). Good news is that he has been super busy and we know the checks are coming eventually!
 
Right now, here's where we stand:
 

Starting debt 2013: $62,300.13

Current debt 3/31/2013: $56,567.73

Total paid 2013: $5,732.40

 
While it is not as much as I had hoped for, it is still great progress.
 
On CCs only, which is what we are actively "racing", we are getting close to crossing the next milestone of being below $20,000. I hope to post that we made it with the next paycheck.
 

Starting CCs 2013: $24,500

Current CCs: $20,300

Total paid: $4,200

 
If everything goes according to plan (which, let's be honest, it very well might not), we could possibly have another CC paid off in April depending on how DH gets paid. We could knock out the highest balance, which also has the highest interest and the highest monthly payments. That would free up $250/month in cash-flow and knock out another $7,000. Keeping my fingers & toes crossed for that one. Freeing up the cash-flow would do wonders for our tight budget as we could funnel that into paying our medical bills as they are already starting to roll in. Seems like the moment one thing gets paid off something pops in to take it's place.